Author: HFEproductions

Ardan Elven Marriages are Garbage!

Apparently, the most important components of Ardan Elven marriages are the wedding vows and consummation. That’s stupid! The most important components of any relationship, romantic or otherwise: is love, dedication, and doing your genuine best for your partner(s). If you don’t want to consummate the marriage, just hide out in your bedroom for a week, and everybody will assume you made mischief. Nobody will know if you don’t tell them!

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Reasons Eru Sucks

Context for Middle Earth non-nerds, Eru Ilúvatar is basically the Elves’ Christian God the Father. He created their world, Arda, as well as the Elves and the Humans.

“So, HFE, why don’t you write an essay yelling at Christian God the Father?”

Well, first of all, that would involve cracking open a Bible, which I prefer to do as little as possible these days. Secondly, Eru’s basically the same guy, except he has a name to yell at. Thirdly, how many people are yelling at Eru Ilúvatar? That’s unique! Let’s yell at fictional gods instead! Except Bast. Of course, I love her! Wakandans worship her for being their mom, I worship her for being a cat! Cats are awesome! And cats do not appreciate being yelled at. And most importantly to me, cats are as sociable or as asociable as they please.

Fair warning, suicidal ideation, as well as other mental health issues, is mentioned in the context of one of the effects of solitary confinement.

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Simarils and the Point of Writing

Calemir: Pixxy, why don’t you just set up the tech we need to watch the movie version?

Pixxy Fire Fist: Yes! Absolutely! Lady Galadriel did more fighting across all six of these things than Lord Glorfindel and her husband! She didn’t fight just anybody, she fought the Dark Lord himself!

Toshiro and Tadashi: And Lord Elrond helped her. We’re Elrondgender now!

Pixxy Fire Fist: Two other stupid old men were there too.

Kenken: Keep in mind, we only have the basic cut. Maybe Lord Glorfindel and Lord Celeborn did some fighting in the extended editions. And Lord Glorfindel a single thing in the books: he guided Bilbo Baggins to Rivendell.

Norawarth: A role that was fulfilled instead by Lady Arwen. As Shadow of Chaos said, we are taking Lord Glorfindel on a new adventure: keeping this child alive long enough to hero-worship all the Ardan mothers he seeks to meet, slay a dragon, and perhaps join a Fellowship.

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The Wrath of Mother Nature

A not-so-innocent sequel to Mahal and Eru for the Innocents.

Yavanna, broiling with anger, prowling in like a lioness about to kill her prey: I cannot believe this! Vána! Varda! Estë! Vairë! Nessa! We need a god-wife talk! Nienna! Get in here too, you’re going to love this!

{The goddesses gather for some gossip!}

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Mahal and Eru for the Innocents

Harnor: Hey, Piko, why don’t you tell this story?

Piko: Absolutely! It was never Eru who was upset at Mahal, it was Yavanna!

Mahal: Aren’t they great? We need some Champions of Tough to handle all the darkness Morgoth’s making! I’ve been teaching them smithing, maths, and sciences! And some basic fighting skills! I have knowledge to share. I know you’re working hard on the Elves. Making Champions of Beauty isn’t easy… I don’t mind if they’re not alive, they’re alive enough for me!

Eru: …You’re right, we do need some Champions of Tough around here. Well done, son. Now. Does your wife know about them?

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